


I'll explain the infinite

by CoffeeAndArrows



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Post 12x08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:08:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22762204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeAndArrows/pseuds/CoffeeAndArrows
Summary: She paused, eyes flickering over to the Doctor, who was clearly just fiddling with the console to give herself something to do while her mind ran into overdrive. She was lost in thought, barely paying any attention to what she was doing, consumed by memories she didn’t want to have. Perhaps Yaz wouldn’t have brought it up - had it not been for the situation a little later in the cellar, maybe she would have let it slide. But she couldn’t, not with the way the Doctor’s heart had crept out onto her sleeve, fear returning as she demanded to know if they expected her to sacrifice them to save the future, as though she had lived through this exact same situation before.Yaz swallowed, hesitant to voice the question she was dying to know the answer to, but unable to keep her thoughts to herself any longer. “Who did you lose?”or, a few post 12x08 emotions for you all
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 15
Kudos: 185





	I'll explain the infinite

**Author's Note:**

> i loved this episode a lot and immediately had a tonne of feelings about it so here ya go.
> 
> and once again, everyone say thank you to sarah for betaing and picking a title and dragging me fully down this thasmin rabbit hole :)
> 
> title is from 'saturn' by sleeping at last

She waited until Graham and Ryan had gone to bed that evening before asking; they both either seemed to have forgotten, or moved on. Unlike them though, she couldn’t stop the scene from earlier playing on repeat in her head. She couldn’t stop seeing the rage in the Doctor’s eyes as she demanded that they stay and hide, she couldn’t forget the pain and the turmoil and above all, the  _ fear _ .

_ I will not lose anyone else to that, _ the Doctor had told them, firm and unwavering but  _ scared _ .

She had never mentioned this before. She hadn’t mentioned a lot of things, it was true - she was an enigma, secrets sealed behind closed doors, impossible to know fully. There was a history there that Yaz didn’t understand; something had  _ happened _ in the past and whatever it was, it had  _ hurt. _

She paused, eyes flickering over to the Doctor, who was clearly just fiddling with the console to give herself something to do while her mind ran into overdrive. She was lost in thought, barely paying any attention to what she was doing, consumed by memories she didn’t want to have. Perhaps Yaz wouldn’t have brought it up - had it not been for the situation a little later in the cellar, maybe she would have let it slide. But she couldn’t, not with the way the Doctor’s heart had crept out onto her sleeve, fear returning as she demanded to know if they expected her to sacrifice  _ them _ to save the future, as though she had lived through this exact same situation before.

Yaz swallowed, hesitant to voice the question she was dying to know the answer to, but unable to keep her thoughts to herself any longer. 

“Who did you lose?”

She didn’t know if she was expecting a response. She never seemed to get anything conclusive - the Doctor had been impossible to get answers out of since day one. But this was different from usual… This was  _ personal _ .

The Doctor's throat bobbed and she wavered for a moment, hand sliding away from the buttons she had been fiddling with and slipping hesitantly into her pocket. She had discarded her coat hours ago, and for some inexplicable reason looked more vulnerable in just a t-shirt. She had lost one of the layers protecting her from the world, and Yaz was slowly working at chipping her way through another. 

“Who didn’t I lose ... ” the Doctor said in return, voice quiet and painful and brimming with regret. She wasn’t looking at Yaz, eyes fixed firmly on the floor, and Yaz once again found her heart twisting in her chest, aching firstly for people whose lives she knew nothing about, but mostly for the woman standing in front of her, lost and lonely and  _ still _ not giving her an answer that betrayed any important information. 

Yaz bit the inside of her cheek lightly, watching as the Doctor fiddled with her fingers. She should probably take the hint and leave her alone, before she became irritated by the persistent questions she was facing. But as always, Yaz couldn’t just let it go. She would spend the next few weeks thinking about the depth of swirling emotions in the Doctor's eyes if she didn’t at least attempt to ease the weight on her shoulders.

“You’re not the first people I’ve traveled with,” the Doctor eventually admitted, when Yaz made no attempt to fill the silence. “I didn’t have this face back then, but… there’ve been others.”

Yaz waited, a sinking feeling settling in her stomach, hating that she could already tell where this was going.

“Some of them left,” the Doctor continued, quiet and gentle and careful. “Some of them  _ I _ left,” she added, and Yaz bit back the questions that sprung to mind. The Doctor was inches away from falling, and the last thing she needed was a push. She exhaled slowly, finally looking up to meet Yaz’s eyes and taking her breath away. She could have lost herself in those eyes, if she hadn’t been fighting against it. It would have been easy to let that pain consume her, too. There was something else coming though, something bigger, something that the Doctor was struggling to say. Her voice was a little hoarser than before as she finally finished “some of them… never made it back home.”

Yaz had known this was coming.

Deep down, back in Shelley’s parlour, she had known  _ this _ was what was behind the Doctor’s eyes. She had lost people - people she cared about, deeply, to the cybermen. 

The Doctor made her way slowly over to where Yaz was sitting, taking a seat next to her and brushing her own hair out of her eyes, all whilst maintaining eye contact. She took a careful, measured breath. “I can’t lose you,” the Doctor said softly, words heavy with the mistakes she had made in the past.

Yaz reached out, slipping her hand into the Doctor’s. It felt like it belonged there, but now wasn’t the time to dwell on that. “You  _ won’t _ lose me,” she tried to reassure her, but the words felt empty as they came out of her mouth. She couldn’t promise that. She had no way of knowing what they were about to walk into, and she couldn’t guarantee that she would come out of it unscathed. But she wasn’t  _ leaving. _ And she certainly wasn’t leaving the Doctor alone.

The Doctor’s grip on her hand tightened, but now they had started having this conversation they had to finish it . Better that than leaving things unsaid. “Please. If you want to leave… go.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Yaz’s heart twisted. She couldn’t find the right thing to say. “If I do get hurt,” she started, gaze slipping down to their joined hands because she couldn’t bear the pain in the Doctor’s eyes. “It won’t be your fault. It could never be your fault, okay?”

The Doctor shook her head slightly, as if Yaz was too naive. “It would be.”

“It wouldn’t - ”

“I brought you here. I put you in this situation \- ”

“ _ No. _ ” She squeezed the Doctor’s hand even tighter. “Listen, I know you’re not good at letting other people take responsibility. You like to be in control. But you have given me - you’ve given  _ all of us _ every chance to go home. You’ve told us to leave over and over again. And we’re not going to - there’s no way we’re leaving you to fight this alone - but that is  _ our choice _ , okay?” 

She waited for a response that didn’t come, and then sighed. “If we get hurt now, that’s on us.”

“If you get hurt fighting my battles, I’d never find a way to forgive myself.”

The Doctor was looking at her again, eyes just as piercing as before but this time her sadness was tangled with something else, something unmistakably affectionate, something that quietly said  _ thank you for not leaving me _ and  _ I don’t want you to go _ and- 

Yaz’s breath caught in her throat and she found herself unable to tear her gaze away. Her words were tangled but she couldn’t ignore this, this  _ look _ that said everything she already knew and so, so much more. “You would have to,” she said quietly, heart skipping a beat in her chest and stomach tying itself in knots, the late night and quiet hum of the Tardis engine giving her a push that perhaps she would have ignored, any other day. “Because I would want you to, and you love me.”

Her words hung in the air for a split second, and when the corner of the Doctor’s lips curled up into a smile, it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She didn’t need the universe outside those faded blue doors, not when it was right here in front of her. “How could anyone not?” the Doctor asked softly, and suddenly it was Yaz’s turn to fight back her smile. 

This wasn’t why she was staying. It  _ wasn’t _ .

It was more than she could ever have dared to hope for, even if now was the worst possible time.

“I’ll be alright,” she said softly, hoping that just this once the Doctor would listen to her heart rather than her head and let herself believe. “Whatever happens, I’ll be alright. And then we can have this conversation, okay? After we’ve taken the cybermen down, and put things right.”

The Doctor’s eyes flickered over her face but a moment later she nodded, smile creeping back across her lips. “It’s a deal,” she softly agreed, holding out a hand and causing Yaz’s grin to widen. 

She had never imagined this. When she had first set foot in this tiny, faded blue police box, she had had no idea what was waiting for her. It had been beyond her wildest dreams, and the adventure she found hadn’t been the adventure she had gone looking for.

But it didn’t matter. None of it mattered, with the most incredible woman she had ever met staring at her as though she was personally responsible for hanging the stars in the sky. Whatever was coming, they would face it together - hand in hand, side by side, doing whatever they could to fix the mess they had created. 

And after that… she would let herself fall in love.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr (@z-tomaz) 
> 
> comments make me happy :)


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